Inuits are not idiots but TV presenters are

in his shiny new sports utility vehicle
(named appropriately after an African tribe)
he slung his high performance knapsack
(named after a mountain range that rhymes)
and drove to the airport to meet the crew
eager and ready with all the equipment and baggage
a well-planned expedition accrues
high fives all round as they leave the ground
off to explore regions never before found
despite the presence of indigenous tribes (cough)
that have mostly survived quite sustainably (thanks)
“for hundreds if not thousands of years”
(your words Mr TV Presenter, not mine)
until we arrived with our first world problems
and (let’s not mention) those massive carbon footprints
leaving stains in their snow wherever we go
and tyre tracks in their sand wherever we land
and empty vacuum-sealed survival meal packets
wherever we feel the need to defecate
clamber and climb or machete our way through
with the help of low paid porters who already know
the way to discover the places they already knew
I know! Let’s give ’em new names instead of their own
like the ones we couldn’t pronounce, like Uluru
but in so doing are we not simply renouncing
those people’s very existence and understanding
of landscapes entwined with their cultural identities
that from afar we’ve been stealthily destroying
with our acid rain and global warming
and although now it’s quite possible for us to boldly go
where no white man has gone before
up fjords where the pack ice has partially melted
with kayaks and back ups and rifles nervously pointed
at polar bears hungry for some tasty white flesh
whilst the Inuit idiot grins from ear to ear
no doubt you’ll provide subtitles to make it clear
when he says the ice is broken, ice is gone
but hey, he’s nice and warm in his polar bear fleece
and he ain’t stepping foot on that dodgy thin ice
for all that you’ve learnt with your aerial drones
he could’ve told you back at his non-igloo home
over a seal burger and glass of icy cold beer
so next time, why don’t you give him or his wife
the camera, and let them tell their story
without your grinning white face poking its nose
where it no longer belongs . . .
I wonder if you’ll send him a signed copy
of your forthcoming book?
That’ll be handy to light the fire.








Val-deri, val-dera
Val-deri, val-dera
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
My knapsack on my back


2 thoughts on “Inuits are not idiots but TV presenters are

  1. It always saddens me when watching these lost tribe/isolated peoples programmes to see amongst the natural habitat in which they seem to survive, the blokes are always wearing frigging premier league football shirts!!
    Thought provoking as always Colin

    Liked by 1 person

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